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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689564">so if you're lonely (darling you're glowing)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/southsalem/pseuds/southsalem'>southsalem</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - High School, Bad Boy Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Lowercase, M/M, Small Towns, Summer, Tags May Change, Underage Smoking, but its not super edgy dont worry lol, donghyuck vapes, donghyuck's kinda fucked up, dont we all, im not sorry, its weed not nicotine cause he's not a coward, renjun is the new boy in town, renjun just wants to understand</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 17:20:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,657</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23689564</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/southsalem/pseuds/southsalem</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>renjun almost doesn’t see him, but for some reason he feels a pull to look up that he just can’t resist and there, tiny against the vastness of the sky, is a boy sitting on top of a gas station roof. </p><p>back in the city, renjun knew the type of guy that would sit on a gas station roof. the kind with sharp smirks and sharper eyes. the kind that wore rebellion in the cut of their shirts. the kind that would blow smoke and yell their laughter. the kind to be wary of. </p><p>this boy doesn’t look like the gas station boys that renjun knew.</p><p>-</p><p>alternatively, renjun moves to a small town.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. the beginning of it all</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>so!! this is something i've had sitting in my drafts for,, so long,, but im finally gonna post it lol because i want to and because quarantine has been kicking my ass lowkey</p><p>kudos are always appreciated and comments send me into another plane of existence so if you like it id appreciate comments!! i dont know when ill update but ill try to do it in the next two weeks, feel free to yell at me if i dont</p><p>i appreciate critique as long as you're gentle as i am, in fact, a fragile flower</p><p>n e way thank you for reading hell yeah ot7 dream!!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>renjun almost doesn’t see him.</p><p>he’s walking. nowhere in particular. renjun doesn’t have the knowledge or agency to be walking to a place, not in this town, not the day after he arrived. he’s just walking to walk, because the house he’s supposed to call home doesn’t feel like home. that house feels like a cave about to fall on him, ten thousand pounds of rock crashing down over his head. not like his real home. in his real home, he has people who have his name carved in the ink stains on their hands and a building that holds the sound of his footsteps like a secret in its floorboards. there, the world is a little distorted to make space for him to stand. here, the world doesn’t give.</p><p>there’s no space for him here.</p><p>so he's walking and he's staring at his feet because the sky is too wide. at home, the sky is cut into wrapping paper strips, split by power lines or the roofs of buildings. at home, the sky is a caged animal, forced to run along defined streets. on the outskirts of this town, the sky knows no such bounds. it’s vast, endless, and renjun’s a little afraid that if he looks up for too long it’ll devour him whole.</p><p>everything about this town seems just a little wrong, so renjun’s got his eyes glued to the asphalt between the tips of his shoes as he walks forwardforwardforward. the day is silent, free from distant horns, sirens. there’s an unsettling stillness, like the world is preserved in amber and renjun’s a ghost roaming long dead streets. </p><p>renjun almost doesn’t see him, but for some reason he feels an urge to look up that he just can’t resist and there, tiny against the vastness of the sky, is a boy sitting on top of a gas station roof.</p><p>back in the city, renjun knew the type of guy that would sit on a gas station roof. the kind with a sharp smirk and sharper eyes. the kind that wore rebellion in the cut of their shirts. the kind that would blow smoke and yell their laughter. the kind to be wary of.</p><p>this boy doesn’t look like the gas station boys that renjun knew.</p><p>this boy has his legs dangling over the edge. he's a bird about to take flight. there’s something hungry in the curve of his spine, in how he leans into the air twenty feet above where heat mirages pool and run on the asphalt of the parking lot.</p><p>renjun knows his type, but there’s something about the boy on the gas station that holds him. he's got his head tilted up to the sun, up to the vastness of the sky, and his exposed throat should look vulnerable but all renjun can think of is teeth. the boy is tiny but he's shining, shining like the sunlight itself and renjun wants to look away but he can’t.</p><p>then he blinks and the boy is just a boy again. a boy who no longer has the curve of his throat exposed to the world, a boy who’s turned his face to renjun and now renjun can’t seem to move or breathe because he's caught in the glare of those eyes.</p><p>because this town that’s so different from his home, this town with wind like hot breath and a sky with teeth, this town that has violence in the way that sunlight spills across black asphalt, this town has this boy, sitting on top of a gas station. this boy who is looking at renjun.</p><p>“hey,” the boy calls out.</p><p>“i’m donghyuck.”</p><p>and renjun doesn’t know if he’ll ever be comfortable in this town, doesn’t know if he’ll ever carve out space for himself. still, maybe he does know where he fits because the world distorts around this boy, perched up on top of the gas station among the bleeding sky, and maybe there’s some space left for renjun right next to him.</p><p>“i’m renjun,” renjun says.</p><p>donghyuck grins.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>the first thing renjun learns about donghyuck is that he's beautiful up close.</p><p>he didn’t talk to donghyuck more on the first day. he kept walking, kept his eyes between his feet. no, the first time he meets donghyuck for real, donghyuck’s sitting on the hood of a car parked on the edge of the highway just outside of town, smoke curling out of his mouth from the pen clasped loosely in his fingers. he's laughing, his eyes shut, lids thin enough that renjun can make out the blue veins spiderwebbed just below his skin.</p><p>renjun’s on his bike because the house still feels heavy over his head and at least on his bike he can feel the wind in his hair. he’s gone across the length of the town, from his house down the main street to the edges where quaint houses give way to farmland, and it’s there, between fields of nothing and the baked black of the highway that he finds donghyuck again.</p><p>a car speeds by, kicking up a breeze that flings donghyuck’s hair into his eyes, close enough that renjun’s a little afraid for him. donghyuck doesn’t seem scared, though. he just leans forward, leans into the wind, into the exhaust. the girl he's sitting with doesn’t seem bothered. she holds onto his arm, holds him so he can’t lean too far.</p><p>renjun almost turns around. the girl donghyuck is sitting with pulls him into her chest and he collapses onto her, laughing. renjun ignores how his gut twists, lets himself coast a little bit, grips the handlebars of his bike tighter.</p><p>renjun almost turns around, but donghyuck takes a drag and smoke spills from his lips and renjun can’t stop the kick between his ribs. he rides closer, senses the second donghyuck sees him out of the corner of his eye, sees the switch in him as his eyes snap open.</p><p>“hey,” donghyuck yells, staring at renjun, chin hooked over the shoulder of the girl.</p><p>“you’re that guy,” he says, and his voice is a little rough, a little raspy, doesn’t quite match with his body. it’s not the voice that renjun expected to come out of him but he's not upset about it.</p><p>“yeah,” renjun says, and he's suddenly very close to them and very aware that the air around donghyuck smells like lemonade, smells like summer, like first kisses sticky with sugar and muggy afternoons sitting on the curb as cars thunder past. he can smell city summers, his childhood and adolescence, smell a life this town could never replicate.</p><p>the entire town feels like a loading screen, feels like stasis, and that’s probably why his dad likes it so much. peace and quiet, he said as they moved out of their apartment. get away from the noise of the city.</p><p>renjun rather liked the noise.</p><p>renjun also rather likes this boy, though, and donghyuck carries the town in the curve of his cheek and the cut of his hair. he's the antithesis of city life, a mosquito in amber, caught in the gold of the afternoon, as unchanging as the quiet streets.</p><p>“i’m renjun,” renjun spits out, syllables stacking up on one another as they fall from his lips in his rush to speak.</p><p>“so you said,” the boy says, voice slow as honey, a half smile playing around his lips.</p><p>“yeah,” renjun says. he can’t seem to think coherently. “and you’re donghyuck,”</p><p>“i am,” donghyuck says, then breaks into giggles, burying his face in the shoulder of the girl. “sorry, sorry,” he says. “i’m a little out of it.”</p><p>renjun just smiles quickly at him.</p><p>“wanna go, like, do something? i’m bored,” donghyuck says, and renjun’s heart kicks itself, beating like a scared rabbit.</p><p>“sure,” renjun says, voice more squeak than anything.</p><p>“great,” donghyuck beams. he tucks a strand of hair behind his ear, and renjun runs a hand through his own hair, self consciously flipping it so it parts left.</p><p>“yeri, i’ll see you later,” donghyuck says very seriously to the girl. she’s got her eyes half closed, staring out into the distance. she nods.</p><p>donghyuck pats her on the shoulder, sliding off the hood of the car.</p><p>a truck roars by.</p><p>it kicks up a wind that catches donghyuck in the folds of his loose t-shirt, in the fall of his hair, and throws it forward, so donghyuck is suddenly framed like a cartoon character in motion.</p><p>donghyuck doesn’t flinch, though the truck couldn’t have been more than five feet away. he just stumbles, catching himself with a few graceful steps, and then he's reached renjun.</p><p>“let’s go, new guy,”</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>donghyuck is standing on the back of renjun’s bike, arms wrapped around his shoulders, yelling instructions in his ear as they ride to whatever destination donghyuck picked out.</p><p>donghyuck isn’t like anyone renjun knew in the city.</p><p>the thing about the gas station guys in the city is that to renjun, they always seemed like performers. actors, sitting against their gas station set. waving around their cigarette props in their costumes, up on the gas station roof to be seen sitting up there. they’d yell, throw empty beer cans at people walking by. they existed to be observed.</p><p>the donghyuck renjun saw didn’t yell. he didn’t lean over and throw things at unsuspecting passers by. he sat, leaning into the wind, into the open air.</p><p>renjun guesses he didn’t want to be seen. people don’t often look up, not when they’re not expecting to see anything. people don’t look up so donghyuck sits way up out of view. there’s no way it isn’t intentional. and renjun can’t help but want to understand.</p><p>but for now he has to focus on just riding this bike.</p><p>the town streets are only starting to become recognisable but it doesn’t really matter when donghyuck is yelling directions into his ear. they’re off main street by a few blocks when they reach a building with windows like maudlin eyes, sitting hunched on the sidewalk among the houses on the rest of the block. renjun pushes on the brakes and skids to a stop outside its door, and it’s almost a relief when donghyuck hops off the back of his bike.</p><p>renjun’s gotten so used to the scent of donghyuck in the back of his head that it’s almost empty now that he's gone, that the lingering mix of honey and lemonade have vanished from his senses. renjun’s shoulders are cold where donghyuck was leaning against him, his back exposed now that donghyuck isn’t pressed up against it.</p><p>renjun shakes his head, trying to get rid of the cobwebs of donghyuck.</p><p>donghyuck grins at him and renjun isn’t sure he’ll survive the night at this rate. not with the early heart failure he seems doomed to.</p><p>donghyuck turns on his heel, shaking out his arms, and presses his face against the glass front of the shop they’ve stopped in front of.</p><p>“it used to be a bookstore, but the owner died like a month ago,” donghyuck says.</p><p>“morbid,” renjun returns, trying to peer through the dark glass as well.</p><p>“just a bit,” donghyuck says, pushing himself off the glass. “i worked here before it closed down. doesn’t look like anyone’s cleaned it up yet.”</p><p>renjun can’t see very well into the belly of the shop, but what he can make out in the dying light is thin corridors and tall shelves, a bookstore straight out of a movie, rickety ladder and all.</p><p>“do you think it’s cursed?” he asks, throwing the words into the air. donghyuck catches them and renjun turns to see him narrow his eyes, like he's contemplating the question.</p><p>“nah. not cursed. haunted, maybe,” he says.</p><p>“very reassuring,” renjun says, grinning tightly. he ignores a kick of nervousness at the implication. he’s pretty sure donghyuck was joking. pretty sure.</p><p>donghyuck laughs lightly and grabs renjun by the wrist.</p><p>“c’mon. i know a way in,”</p><p>alarm bells ring just a little in renjun’s head.</p><p>“why not.”</p><p>donghyuck’s smile only widens as he pulls renjun around the corner of the building, toward the back. as they walk, donghyuck looks back, eyes catching on renjun’s and sticking.</p><p>“so you’re new in town, right,” he asks, and it’s with that same half smile that he always seems to be wearing.</p><p>“yeah,” renjun says, rueful. “moved from the city. dad wanted peace and quiet.”</p><p>donghyuck laughs.</p><p>“peace and quiet’s just about all you’ll find. there’s nothing to do here but watch time pass.”</p><p>renjun can’t help but hear a note of bitterness in his voice.</p><p>“hey, better than never realizing it’s going by at all. some of my friends back home…well, i don’t think they realized they’d ever get older,”</p><p>renjun’s face prickles with heat. he doesn’t quite know where that came from, doesn’t quite know anything other than it feels more honest than anything else he's said so far.</p><p>donghyuck looks around, his eyes fixing on a rusted old fire escape. renjun can see where this is going.</p><p>“i don’t plan on getting older,” donghyuck says, jumping up, fingers almost catching on the lowest rung of the fire escape. “i just won’t. my birthday’ll come and i’ll just be like ‘no thanks.’”</p><p>“really,” renjun says, eyebrows furrowing. he feels a little weird, standing still while donghyuck struggles to jump to the ladder, during a semi-serious conversation no less. “i can’t wait to be older. finally get my diploma and leave. start real life,”</p><p>donghyuck jumps again, and he gets it the second time, the ladder swinging down with a screech. he grins, satisfied, and turns to renjun.</p><p>“you really want to have to worry about all that shit? taxes and rent and food and everything? i think i’ll pass. now come on, up the ladder”</p><p>“i’ll take taxes over high school any day,” renjun says, following donghyuck.</p><p>“you’re crazy,” donghyuck says. up two flights of stairs there’s another ladder, attached to the building, up to the roof. donghyuck scales it with the ease of experience, peering down at renjun from the top.</p><p>renjun takes a breath, pulls himself up the ladder, ignoring the feeling of rust under his palms.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. getting to know our cast</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>alright here's another chapter im sorry it's so late!!! but yknow its here so whatever lol</p><p>this entire chapter is lowkey dedicated to depthsofdespair because your comment gave me life and the drive to write uhhh yeah thanks for that fam!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the rooftop is mostly flat, except where there’s a door to the inside of the building. donghyuck grabs renjun’s hand, pulls him up off the ladder. he grips renjun’s hand tighter once he’s standing, gives it a squeeze despite the grime renjun can feel on his palm. renjun waits for him to drop it, reclaim his distance, but donghyuck doesn’t move.</p><p>donghyuck doesn’t even seem to notice. he looks back at renjun with a grin on his face and mischief in his eyes and then he’s pulling renjun along, toward the door. renjun doesn’t have time to appreciate the windswept tilt to donghyuck’s hair, the way the sunlight shines on donghyuck’s skin up close. he’s too busy trying not to trip over his own feet. </p><p>“they never locked this door, watch.”</p><p>the door rattles as donghyuck throws his shoulder into it. it doesn’t move.</p><p>he does it again, to no avail. and again, with a grunt.</p><p>“let me try,” </p><p>donghyuck turns to look at him, eyebrows raised, and steps back with a bow.</p><p>“be my guest.”</p><p>renjun grins at him, something sharp that digs into his cheeks and burns in his mouth, and braces himself, throwing his shoulder against the door.</p><p>he feels something give, does it one more time. a wave of stale air hits him as the door swings open.</p><p>“i didn’t think you had it in you,” donghyuck says, shoulder brushing renjun’s as he steps next to him.</p><p>“what’s that supposed to mean?” renjun says, turning to look at donghyuck. donghyuck steps forward, leading renjun across the threshold of the door, through where the sunlight slants into the cool and dark. </p><p>donghyuck looks back at him, grabs renjun’s hand, holds up his wrist.</p><p>“you’ve got bird bones, new guy.” his tongue pokes out a bit as he grins, and renjun can’t stop his eyes from catching on donghyuck’s mouth at the movement. </p><p>“between us, i’m not the one with a penchant for rooftops.” renjun twists his wrist out of donghyuck’s hand. “i wouldn’t go around calling other people birds, if i were you.” and the other boy laughs, honeyed and full, and renjun can’t help but feel the corners of his mouth turn up, buoyed by the boy standing next to him.</p><p>“can’t argue with that,” donghyuck grins, pushes his hands into his pockets. “now come on, birdie. it’s a bit dusty but it’s cool, trust me.”</p><p>renjun rolls his eyes, even though donghyuck’s already walking forward and away from him, and follows after him.</p><p>“wait--didn’t you say this place could be haunted?” renjun asks, trying to match donghyuck’s stride.</p><p>“it’s an old bookstore with a dead owner.” donghyuck says, eyes flickering, catlike where they catch renjun’s from under his bangs. “and even when i worked here, weird shit would happen. books falling, doors opening, music playing where it shouldn’t have been.”</p><p>renjun barely notices his hand raising to his mouth until he’s already biting at the nails on his right hand.</p><p>“really?” he knows his voice is a little breathier, a little softer, but ghosts have always scared him. that hasn’t changed since he was a kid, and he doubts it’ll change now.</p><p>“nah, i’m just fucking with you,” donghyuck says, throwing him a sidelong grin. “though the old bat was weird sometimes. there wasn’t any real supernatural shit, sadly,”</p><p>renjun feels his cheeks warm, and he glares at donghyuck. “i bet she’s here right now just to haunt your annoying ass.”</p><p>donghyuck turns to renjun, eyes wide and innocent.</p><p>“was that just an admission that you’ve been staring at my ass?”</p><p>renjun groans. “there’s no ass to stare at, mr. pancake.”</p><p>donghyuck clutches his chest, grabbing onto renjun’s shoulder with all the drama of a dying man.</p><p>“you wound me, birdie,”</p><p>renjun pushes his hand off, ignoring the assault of lemonade on his senses. “is this really going to be a thing now? and birdie? that doesn’t even make sense.”</p><p>donghyuck shoulders renjun playfully. “yes it does! you just can’t appreciate a good thing.”</p><p>renjun just looks at donghyuck, eyebrows inching towards his bangs.</p><p>“don’t try to deny it. we just talked about high school. i know your soul now.”</p><p>“then enlighten me, oh knowledgeable one,” renjun says, voice dripping sarcasm.</p><p>donghyuck ignores the sarcasm. scans him, up and down. renjun feels his cheeks warm at the intensity of the way donghyuck looks at him. it’s invasive, in a way, to be stared at with those eyes.</p><p>“you think you’re above all the high school shit, all the drama and cliques and whatever else was in your hometown.” </p><p>his voice is teasing and light, but the words still hit renjun in the soft part of his chest.</p><p>“you think college will be this great escape where people will finally understand you for who you are, because no one could ever understand you now. you probably really like english class. and you don’t drink at parties.”</p><p>donghyuck’s holding renjun in place with his dark eyes in the dim of the staircase. those eyes burn, just a little, where they rest on renjun, and renjun hopes that donghyuck doesn’t see the warmth of sudden heat flashing across his face. </p><p>“i mean you’re wrong about one thing,” renjun says, keeping his voice even. “i do drink at parties.”</p><p>donghyuck laughs, which breaks renjun’s serious facade as easy as glass. renjun snorts, grinning, and donghyuck grabs onto renjun’s forearm, dragging him with him as he continues down the staircase.</p><p>“we’ll have to go to one then, sometime,” he says, and renjun’s smile slides a little as he feels his rabbit heart jump at the implication. that donghyuck wants to spend more time with him. that they’ll be going together.</p><p>“sure,” he says, and donghyuck hums. they reach the bottom of the staircase and emerge onto a second level of the bookstore, from what renjun can see. it is dusty, as donghyuck promised, but renjun wouldn’t be surprised if the dust was partially from before the owner kicked the bucket. the shelves are sturdy looking but stuffed with books―books of all sizes next to one another, books stacked sideways, books with cracked spines and leather bindings. there’s a chair by one of the shelves, and next to it are two piles of books reaching nearly to the arms. it’s dim in the store, but light spills through a window in what renjun assumes is the front of the store, pooling like honey among the dust.</p><p>the whole store is warm in temperature for sure, but also in the way it feels lived in, like it was a place where life padded along the creaking wood floor and curled up in the corners. renjun feels a stab of random grief for the owner, who he didn’t even know, but who seems to have left a part of herself behind.</p><p>donghyuck doesn’t seem to be feeling the same melancholy. he tugs renjun’s wrist, doesn’t pull him towards the staircase to the first floor, like renjun expected, but back away from the front of the shop and down a short hallway.</p><p>there’s a door on the left that donghyuck kicks open, and renjun only winces a little bit. it’s another room filled with books, but here there’re three armchairs resting with their eyes closed, and renjun gets the sense that they’re asleep under the dust. they’re regal things, tall backed and thick with padding, and they face a window that overlooks a back garden, overgrown with weeds. </p><p>donghyuck gestures grandly.</p><p>“my kingdom.”</p><p>renjun doesn’t know what he expected, but this isn’t exactly it. the room is warm, toeing the line of stuffy in the july heat, but it’s quiet and calm and renjun feels oddly at eaze among the dreaming armchairs and silent books.</p><p>donghyuck throws himself into one of said armchairs, ignoring the dust even when he coughs, twice, in quick succession. he’s draped his limbs across the chair like it’s a throne and he’s the prince of a far off land, with all the cockiness of knowing he looks good, and it’s true, he does. he lets his head loll back to look at renjun upside down, and the curve of his neck is as graceful as it was the first time renjun cared to observe it. there’s a laziness, in how he beckons renjun over, in how he blinks, slow, swallows. donghyuck certainly looks regal, cast in light and dust and quiet.</p><p>renjun makes his way over to the seat opposite donghyuck, trailing a finger through the dust left there. he swipes off the seat once before deciding it's a lost cause and lets himself sink into the plush cushion.</p><p>there’s a glint of silver in donghyuck’s hand, and renjun recognizes it as the pen from earlier. donghyuck takes a long drag. the way the smoke spills over his lips is almost erotic, and renjun can’t help the punch of attraction that rolls over him as donghyuck sucks the smoke back in in a perfect french inhale.</p><p>“please tell me that isn’t nicotine,” renjun says, voice sharp as it shatters the calm that had settled over the room. “you could at least go for cigarettes, it’d be more honest.”</p><p>donghyuck eyes him and renjun can’t quite place the expression. scorn? annoyance? respect? there’s a hint of an upturn around the corners of his lips, and renjun sort of wants to hit himself for being so utterly tactless to a guy he’s known for an hour, tops, but donghyuck’s mouth is curling around words now so renjun tunes back in to the world to catch what he’s saying.</p><p>“don’t worry, birdie, a nic high really isn’t enough for me.” he juggles the words gracefully, eyes staying heavy on renjun’s. “it’s weed. the high from earlier had almost worn off and today i don’t really want to think sober.”</p><p>renjun doesn’t want to hold eye contact with donghyuck, not when his heart can’t seem to be able to handle donghyuck with smoke between his lips. he lets his eyes slip shut, surrendering the near-sleepiness of the warm room, the sunlight red on his eyelids.</p><p>“that a problem for you?” donghyuck asks, voice light.</p><p>“nah,” renjun says. “as long as i don’t have to carry you home.”</p><p>donghyuck chuckles, and renjun opens his eyes enough to see another plume of smoke bloom above donghyuck.</p><p>“i’m surprised you’re not bothered. wouldn’t have pegged you for the type to be okay with underage anything.”</p><p>renjun snorts. “my old friends liked partying. jaemin, one of them, got me so stoned freshman year i ended up standing in his kitchen talking to myself for like forty minutes trying to figure out how far away the floor was. he still has some videos of that on his phone, i’m pretty sure.”</p><p>donghyuck’s grin brightens, and the pang of hurt that jaemin’s name caused in his chest just seems to burn away under its glow.</p><p>“do city kids really go as wild as they do in movies?” donghyuck asks, and renjun laughs for real this time.</p><p>“it depends.” renjun stretches his hands over his head, groaning as some of the tension of the day leaves his shoulders. “i was in private school, on financial aid, and my school was notorious for dealing with our stress by going absolutely wild on the weekends. normally rich kids whose parents were out of town would throw and if you were cool enough or rich enough or knew how to steal white claws from safeway, you were invited.”</p><p>donghyuck pushes himself up in his chair.</p><p>“how’d you get invited then, birdie?” donghyuck’s expression drips innocence, eyes wide and curious, and renjun wishes he were close enough to hit him.</p><p>“i had cool enough friends. and we knew how to steal white claws from safeway, ‘cause one of our friend’s older sisters worked there and she’d turn a blind eye.”</p><p>donghyuck whistles, and renjun raises his eyebrows at the boy. donghyuck’s got half a shit eating grin on his face and renjun’s half worried about what his next question will be.</p><p>“so why do you hate high school so much then, mr. popular?”</p><p>“shut up,” renjun groans. “what about you? why do you love high school so much anyway?”</p><p>donghyuck rolls his eyes.</p><p>“i don’t love high school, i just like it more than the alternative.” he gestures fluidly, words a little lazier than they were ten minutes ago. “and don’t you want to enjoy being young and hot? there’s something that feels free about being a dumb teenager. i’m just riding that high.”</p><p>“but is that real? or are you just acting in your personal coming of age movie?”</p><p>renjun rests his chin in his palm, watching donghyuck.</p><p>“you think i can tell?” donghyuck says with a grin. renjun can’t help but get the sense that he’s lying, in some way. </p><p>“alright donghyuck.” he says, checking the time on his phone. he has three hours before he needs to be home for dinner. “can i take a hit?”</p><p>donghyuck sticks out his arm in renjun’s direction, pen clasped in his fingers. renjun stretches, grabs the silver stick. he ignores the little rabbit kick when his fingers brush donghyuck’s.</p><p>it’s fine, he tells himself.</p><p>then he brings the vape to his lips, lets himself go in a cloud that smells like lemonade.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>am i projecting onto renjun? yes. is this realistic? no. is it dramatic and have the aesthetic i like? yes. worth it</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. the tragic backstory?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so!! warnings for this chapter!! renjun has a little Not Super Cute Mental Health Moment™ and there's some stuff that could drift into suicidal ideation--nothing too intense, but still!! be careful babes!!</p><p>n e ways sorry this took so long im terrible i know</p><p>enjoy~</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>when he gets home, the sound of crackling oil is a distant siren’s call and renjun feels a small, tense part of himself uncurl between his ribs. he hadn’t been aware of the tension he was holding in his shoulders until he walks into his kitchen and sees his dad standing at the stove and suddenly he can breathe.</p><p>“hey,” he says, sliding onto a stool at the counter.</p><p>“hey,” his dad says, glancing at him with fondness in the corners of his eyes before he turns back to the stove. “how was your day?”</p><p>renjun lets his head fall onto the cold granite of the counter, closing his eyes as the cold’s solid weight settles into his cheek.</p><p>“it was good. hung out with a guy.”</p><p>his dad hums, giving the pan in front of him a final stir before flicking the heat off and turning to face renjun fully.</p><p>“what’s his name? is he going to school with you?”</p><p>renjun sighs. “his name’s donghyuck. i assume he’s going to school with me ‘cause he talked about high school and it’s not like there’re any others in this area.”</p><p>renjun’s dad laughs from his belly, walking over and resting a hand on renjun’s head. “yeah yeah. wonders of small towns, eh? was he nice?”</p><p>“he was-” renjun pauses. nice felt too simple for donghyuck. had he been nice? he’d ditched yeri to hang out with renjun, shared his weed and his company, but he’d kept a sharp tongue, hadn’t used renjun’s name despite all his complaining.</p><p>“yeah. he was nice.”</p><p>“i’m glad, kiddo. i was beginning to think i’d have you all to myself for the whole summer!” renjun’s dad says, flicking his ear as he pushes away from the counter. “come grab a plate, stir fry is on tonight's menu. remember to give your compliments to the chef!”</p><p>renjun’s mouth curls into a smile, almost against his will. “it looks good, send him my regards?”</p><p>renjun’s dad scoffs, sets his bowl on the table, cracks open a beer with one hand.</p><p>“i can’t believe i raised a little punk, after all my years of effort.”</p><p>renjun snorts, sets his bowl down and lets himself sink into the chair. his dad takes a drink of his beer and eyes renjun like there’s something he wants to say.</p><p>“honestly renjun, i’m really happy you’ve made a friend. it’s been weird not hearing about jaemin every day, you know? feels like there’s something missing.”</p><p>renjun feels a jagged rib dig into his chest at the name. it had been a month since he moved, six weeks he’d stopped mentioning jaemin at the dinner table. his dad hadn’t brought it up, seemingly wanting to respect renjun’s silence, and the name felt like a bucket of ice water dumped over his head.</p><p>“yeah. it’s been weird for me too.”</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>renjun was the type of kindergartener that would throw fits whenever he got dropped off. they started out as noisy affairs, screaming crying tantrums that started the second the door closed behind him that would go on until he tired himself out. face red, eyes wet and dark, tiny hands in tiny fists he would rage, refusing to go play or let himself be distracted. he’d sit in the corner and curl himself up into a ball, and when he was all cried out he’d fall asleep, nap until one of the teachers with greying hairs around their temples would wake him up for playtime or lunch.</p><p>as the year went on the screaming fits stopped but the crying did not. the teachers tried, they really did, coaxing him out with candy, with playtime, but nothing worked. renjun knew he was going to get picked up later, but he was still scared, so scared of being left alone that he was near inconsolable.</p><p>that is, until a dark haired boy with a smile that made his whole face glow came up to him one day.</p><p>jaemin was five, same age as renjun, and he thought his dinosaur shirt was cool so would renjun like to come play?</p><p>renjun sniffled, wiped his nose on his sleeve, looked up at jaemin with scared eyes. jaemin just kept smiling at him, and he held out a hand for renjun to take.</p><p>renjun didn’t know what it was about him, but jaemin reminded him of the funshine bear and it made his heart do backflips.</p><p>“o-” renjun hiccuped. “ok.”</p><p>jaemin’s grin managed to grow even bigger and brighter, if that was possible. renjun reached out, and jaemin leaned down to grasp his hand and pull him up. renjun let out a small noise of surprise and almost stumbled into him, catching himself before it was too late.</p><p>jaemin squeezed his hand.</p><p>“c’mon, i found this really cool truck and i think you’d like it cause it’s pretty much the same color as your shoes.” jaemin said, and renjun couldn’t help but feel a little bit like a speck of dust caught in jaemin’s breeze as he was pulled behind the boy, trying to keep track of the words flying a mile a minute. “do you like trucks? my uncle has one and sometimes he takes me on rides in it. it’s pretty much the same as a car, but bigger and bouncier and it doesn’t have a back seat.”</p><p>renjun stayed quiet as jaemin talked, but the boy didn’t seem bothered by the lack of response, content to chatter on, telling stories that he punctuated by swinging their clasped hands wildly.</p><p>the car he wanted to show renjun was cool, renjun had to agree. and it was a pretty close match to his shoes, which was even cooler. renjun wasn’t completely sure how he felt about jaemin, though he knew when he looked at him he felt something big in his chest, he knew he didn’t feel like crying as much when jaemin smiled at him, knew there was something about jaemin that made renjun feel good, like a butterfly was flapping its wings in his belly.</p><p>so he let himself be dragged away from the door of the classroom day after day, and soon enough he didn’t even feel like crying when he got dropped off, too busy looking around for jaemin.</p><p>the fourth day without a meltdown had the teacher that had always stayed with him, a slight woman who always wore soft sweaters and let renjun play with the ringlets of hair that spilled off her head, came over to the two boys.</p><p>renjun squeaked when she knelt down next to them, looked at the ground. the adults still scared him a bit, with their loud voices and extra height, and none of them were his mom or his dad. still, he liked this teacher the most, so he didn’t try to turn away, just looked at the floor.</p><p>“hello friends! renjun, i’ve noticed you haven’t cried for four days now! i’m really happy about that because it makes me think you’ve made a good friend in jaemin. am i right about that?”</p><p>renjun nodded, glancing up into her face. she was smiling, teeth on display, and her eyes were warm when he met them.</p><p>jaemin grabbed his arm, pulled him to a standing position so they were on eye level.</p><p>“jaemin, what have we said about grabbing?” the teacher was quick to reprimand, face becoming stern.</p><p>“renjun doesn’t mind! right renjun?” jaemin said, turning to renjun. renjun nodded. he didn’t mind when jaemin grabbed him. “and yeah! we’re best friends now! renjun barely ever cries!”</p><p>the teacher laughed, ruffling jaemin’s hair.</p><p>best friends? renjun hadn’t realized they were best friends. they hadn’t even had a playdate yet, could you be best friends before you’ve had a playdate?</p><p>“i’m glad, boys! though jaemin, you need to remember to ask before you grab people, even if most of the time they’re ok with it, alright?”</p><p>“yes, i know,” jaemin said, pouting. renjun slipped his hand into jaemin’s, giving it a squeeze.</p><p>“i’ll leave you boys to it then, have fun!” the teacher said, standing up and stretching as she walked away from their table.</p><p>“we will!” jaemin shouted, excitement loud in his voice.</p><p>“wait, jaemin,” renjun said quickly, before their game could restart. “are we really best friends?”</p><p>jaemin grinned his megawatt smile. the butterflies in renjun’s stomach fluttered their wings. “of course we are! i like playing with you the most!”</p><p>renjun matched his grin. “ok! me too.”</p><p>jaemin pumped his fist in the air in victory.</p><p>“best friends!”</p><p>something warm bloomed in renjun’s chest. he’d never had a best friend before.</p><p> </p><p>-</p><p> </p><p>jaemin.</p><p>something desperate and howling tears at renjun’s ribs.</p><p>he sets his plate on the counter, grins at his dad, says he wants to go watch a movie. his dad laughs. offers to clean up.</p><p>up the stairs. down the hall. he opens his door.</p><p>he doesn’t know why. one second ago he was fine. he was laughing. everything was alright. he doesn’t know why all of a sudden it feels like he’s trying to breathe through lungfuls of water, doesn’t know why it feels like there’s a well building up inside of him, mounting in pressure and making his hands tremble.</p><p>he closes his door gently. no sound means dad won’t notice. curls himself up in his sheets. it’s leaden, the pressure in his chest, weighing down his clothes. it feels like his limbs are all waterlogged. even through the suffocating sadness tears don’t want to come so he curls up tighter, holds his arms close to his chest and tries to breathe. his walls are blank, his room that isn’t his room is taunting him.</p><p>renjun doesn’t feel like a person.</p><p>his phone is dark next to his head and he doesn’t know why that makes him want to squeeze his eyes shut and never open them, but it does.</p><p>a person would have substance, would have personality besides snarky comments, would have original thoughts and distinctive character traits and he’s not really a person. donghyuck is a person, even if he doesn’t want to be, even if he tries to drown it out with weed and new faces. donghyuck has mannerisms and a quirk in his voice and a face that sticks in renjun’s head. he has yeri and surely there are other people out there who notice him when he walks down the street.</p><p>renjun’s an empty void. he’s the space where a person should be that’s instead taken up by him, him who doesn’t know how to make himself likeable or interesting or anything other than just a hole in space.</p><p>at least in the city people knew his name, even if he wasn’t liked, even if they only bothered to keep him around because of jaemin. he had notifications on his phone, he had fist bumps in the hall and partners in classes. he had an open invitation to parties, had friends who always invited him out with them. he had all the trappings of personhood. a good costume makes a good man.</p><p>out here he’s got none of that.</p><p>what’s keeping him anchored to reality at all? he could just fade away and no one would notice. he’d be gone and his dad would wash the sheets to be rid of his scent and be done with it.</p><p>he’d done too good a job cutting himself off from the rest of the world. left too many texts unanswered. he was a ghost.</p><p>he closes his eyes, focuses on the feeling of his weight against the bed.</p><p>he hasn’t felt this way in a long time. he thought he’d forgotten the feeling of drowning, gotten over it, learned how to be normal, but the water level is rising and every second the pressure is growing, the light is dimming.</p><p>he’s not crying and he feels like he should be. he can feel the catch in the back of his throat that’ll bring tears to his eyes, knows it only takes a tensing of his throat and he’ll finally cry, but even those tears would be fake.</p><p>he holds his knees to his chest.</p><p>he’s still in jeans. his tee shirt is rough against his skin. he should change. but. that would mean he has to get out of bed.</p><p>his breath rattles in his chest.</p><p>his heart is loud in his ears.</p><p>
  <em>jaemin.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>so... yeah, little bit of angst for y'all!! can anyone guess what's up with renjun and jaemin? </p><p>also renjun's dad may be my favorite character. we love wholesome parents!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>so there it is!! tell me what you think, yell at me on twitter (im not very active but ill def reply at some point lol) https://twitter.com/southernsalem and that's all folks!! hope you're staying safe n healthy :)</p><p>also here's a playlist that i listen to when i write if y'all want the vibes lmao<br/>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3VIuQ5DEsMyzIT3QaeYxfC?si=oadvvdKAS5OmwCOrHWxalw</p></blockquote></div></div>
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